The New Year: Setting Healthy Boundaries Within Yourself

“I’m going to hold your hand when I say this, but I’m going to need you to put a boundary right there.”

Why do I need boundaries?

You know, the word “no” is becoming a favorite of mine. You may be thinking that’s a very selfish thing to say. Stay with me now. Let me offer you a perspective to consider. Is “no” selfish if it is a catalyst for growth and to intentionally practice self-love, self-respect and self-discipline? Learning how to set boundaries within yourself could catapult you into living life more abundantly should you choose to practice it.

Cultural perspective on boundaries:

In our culture, setting boundaries has been viewed as rejection or even self-centeredness. Setting boundaries is essential to practicing self-love and self-respect. Healthy boundaries position us to live meaningful and purposeful lives. Lives that foster peace, joy and fulfillment. So, it is imperative that we learn to honor our needs, protect ourselves emotionally and mentally, and nurture our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are rules we set for ourselves to define what is acceptable behavior as we strive towards living well as an individual as well as relationships we have with others. If we do not set boundaries for healthy living, we are putting ourselves at risk emotionally, mentally, and physically. Although we cannot control what others do, we can have some level of control within ourselves by placing boundaries here and there to ensure we remain grounded. Setting boundaries also allows us to not lose sight of our self, needs, and values.

Now that we understand boundaries, let’s begin the work.

Setting boundaries:

To get this started, let’s set the goal post! Take a moment to reflect on areas of your life that could be a starting point for developing healthier boundaries. You can start by asking yourself questions like, Do I feel respected, safe, valued, seen or at peace? What behavior causes me to feel drained? An important step in the foundation of setting boundaries is identifying what do I need.

Now that we have an area of focus, let’s do the work. These are a few starting points, but remember-take it one step at a time:

-Routine: Designate a time daily to recharge. Self-care routines like prayer, devotion, meditation, journaling, quiet reflection, and other activities of your choice should be non-negotiable. We as humans tend to thrive when we have a routine or schedule.

-Say NO: Capital N. Capital O. When you say no, it doesn’t make you self-centered or selfish, but self-aware. I will warn you, at first, it’s hard to say no and uncomfortable, but lean into the discomfort of saying no if it protects your peace.

-Emotional Limitations: I’m just going to say it. Sometimes, you’re going to have to set hard boundaries with social media, work and people if they drain your emotional energy.

- Don’t play with your time, RESPECT your time: Respecting your time is a way to honor YOU. Practice setting limits on work, social activities, and obligations to ensure you have space for personal growth.

You get to decide:

While not everyone may be ready for therapy or even want to use therapy as a healing point, these are practical and valuable tools that encourage self-improvement and growth. Setting boundaries is a powerful tool and there may be a time in your journey where professional guidance can support you. If you do decide to use professional guidance, therapy provides a safe space where you get to explore deeper emotional issues, learn new perspectives and receive non-judgmental support to help you move forward in a balanced way.

Therapist perspective:

As a therapist, I must tell you, setting boundaries will be one of the most challenging experiences you’ve had and is not a one-time fix. It will take being patient, practice and self-reflection. And because you are valuable, it’s worth the effort. Take baby steps, practice consistency and trust the process, as it is a step towards a healthier, more abundant life.

And as always, be well!